Battle of Knits

“Sometimes I get so tense, but I can’t speed up the time…”

I have come to realize after a day of screaming too much… that I do not have a lot of patience. Some days I have more (a lot more) than others.

Today was not one of those days.

I hate hearing myself scream at my son. I am going to make a HUGE effort to limit this as much as possible, because after today I am upset with myself for not having more patience. I made it through the infant stages with minimal breakdowns… there was this one day where I thought I was losing it, called Josh at work crying because our son just would not stop crying– I had maybe 20 minutes sleep in 2 days… I look back now and cant believe I was as calm as I was! Must have been those oxytocin and prolactin hormones flowing from breastfeeding!!!

Right now the kid must be going through something… A growth spurt? A phase? Whatever it is I am completely frustrated by it. He wants to be held– and ONLY BY ME– 24 hours a day. He is being very picky with food these last few days. I feel like I throw out enough to feed 2 extra kids some days. Today I could only get him to eat half a waffle, french fries and some gluten-free flat bread. I tossed out chicken, broccoli, crackers, raisins and it drives me crazy. Tomorrow I am going to try some jello with fruit in it. He will most likely eat more tomorrow since it is “Daddy-day” since I am going out to Hank’s in the afternoon. We shall see. I just want my happy kid back!!!!

Finally at least the weather seems to be warming up. Today might have hit 70. I feel like such a freak sometimes… I moved here in August of 2004 and that winter I never wore a jacket, maybe a sweater in January… I wore flip-flops the whole season and though everyone around me was crazy in their UGG boots and scaves, hats, mittens, ski jackets… Honestly, I have not yet pulled out my L.L. Bean ski jacket since moving here. Now I do feel cold if it drops below 60 degrees. I have fully adapted to Florida living!!! Scary.

Here is a picture of the best part of our day. We went to the mall to get me some jeans and the Boo-bear some new sneakers.

See next blog post… since Flickr is a pain in my ass!

Pearl Jam– Dissident

She nursed him there, ooh, over a night
Wasn’t so sure she wanted him to stay
What to say…what to say
But soon she was down, soon he was low
At a quarter past…a holy no…
She had to turn around

When she couldn’t hold, oh…she folded…
A dissident is here
Escape is never, the safest path
Oh, a dissident, a dissident is here

And to this day, she’s glided on
Always home but so far away
Like a word misplaced
Nothing to say, what a waste
When she had contact…with the conflict…
There was meaning, but she sold him to the state
She had to turn around

When she couldn’t hold…she folded…
A dissident is here
Escape is never, the safest path
Oh, a dissident, a dissident is here, oh…oh…oh…

She gave him away when she couldn’t hold…no…she folded…
A dissident is here
Escape is never, the safest path
Oh, a dissident, a dissident is here, oh…
Couldn’t hold on…she couldn’t hold…no…she folded…
A dissident is here
Escape is never the safest place, oh…
A dissident is here

Where did I put my motivation?

Somehow I misplaced my motivation. I think I lost it somewhere between the transition to the toddler bed and the new “non-napping” kid I have. It seems that if I lose just a few hours of sleep that I turn into this grumbly, bitchy, whiny, lump-in-pj’s who slumps around in a zombie like state. I am not hunting brains though, just caffeine! Coffee… hot, warm, barely tepid or straight up cold, I am guzzling it. I am stashing redbulls in every corner and drawer in the refrigerator. All just too make it until 8pm when I put the boy to sleep. My sweet-darling boy has decided he isnt going to nap… without a crib or restraints, I am at a loss on how to make him realize a nap is a “good” idea! He used to be so manageable and he would just crawl into my lap around 1 pm, ask to nurse (non-verbally, of course) and then drift off to sleep while nursing. Well, not anymore. I thought the problem might be that he wasnt getting enough energy out and needed to be tired out, so yesterday when the temps jumped from low 60’s to the low 80’s we went outside to play like we used too. I kept crossing my fingers as I chugged my energy drinks… no dice. Wide awake all day long! Now the big problem with ingesting tons of caffeine all day while trying to keep up with an unstoppable toddler is that eventually you crash! I fight it, trying to stay awake, knowing I wont even get any sleep until at least 4am, but to be straight up honest… it sucks. Sometimes I find myself putting on Yo Gabba Gabba so I can sneak out and grab a shower or even a ten minute power nap.

He is doing better in the toddler bed. Much better. Monday was one week and Monday night he slept until around 3am, then woke up. I went in, nursed him to sleep… or so I thought. I got up and he was not asleep. So we played that game for another half hour, until finally he was deep in slumber… I snuck to my bed around 4am and got a nice 4 hours sleep. It was the first night in a week that we did not have a kid in our bed by 8am! Then last night, even more progress… he woke at 3 am, and I fully expected to repeat the process from last night… I got out of bed and before I got to my door, he had already fallen back to sleep! I jumped back in bed and fell asleep smiling!!! I expected to wake up in an hour to have to go to him, but he must have either cried quietly (HAHA yeah right!) or he slept right on through to 8am. Now this is all well and good, but I still did not get more than 4 hours sleep. So I asked Josh to put on PBS and give the little Boo-bear a few mini-pancakes and a banana. I also asked him to pick up the dogs food and water before he left. He came in to kiss me goodbye and I asked again,
“Did you pick up the Dog’s food and water for me?”
“Yeah, I did.” and he kissed me goodbye. I felt happy. The baby boy slept nearly the whole night and I get to stay in bed until he decides to get distracted from the boob-tube and come bother me to get at my boobs! I can nurse in my sleep though, so I fully expected to get an 45 mins of sleep at least… and I did…

but it came with a price!

Roughly 45 minutes later… like clockwork, my little guy came running in, making lots of noise in his footie pj’s. He climbed into the bed and jumped on me. Normally I find this so adorable, but today I did not. He was soaking wet! Instantly I knew that the only place he could have found that amount of water was the dog’s dish… I jumped up, stripped the kid down, and went to the laundry room where we are keeping the dog’s food. Sure enough, water and wet mushy dog food all over the floor. So I had a good time cleaning that up.
I called Josh and squawked, “I thought you said you put the dogs food and water up for me??!!”
“I did.” He said.
I then looked at the washer and dryer and could see that he may have, but only put them on the edge rather than move a laundry basket full of clothes. His sheer laziness infuriates me. I then went off about how I feel like I am taking care of two children and that he is always unreliable and blah-blah-blah. All falling on deaf ears, I’m sure. I think I hung up, bitching about having to mop the floor. He sent me a text about 5 minutes later saying “I’m sorry.”
and I replied “I love you, stupid.”
and he replied “I love you too, bitchy.”

At least I have an excuse though… 4 hours sleep and waking up to a sopping wet child on your chest, followed by cleaning up soggy wet dog food would dampen anyone’s day… he on the other hand, has no excuse. ((((DUH))))

So I have filled my housekeeping quota for the day! Although I might watch Hoarders later. Every time I watch that show I get this amazing burst of energy and clean everything… even those toast crumbs out of the toaster. They should have a Hoarders channel, then I could put Martha Stewart to shame.

In other news, I am mailing out my Christmas cards and gifts tomorrow… permitting that Josh does not forget or put it off. I also got a new book on the Kindle. I was torn between 3 books, Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential, High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips, and NutureShock: New Thinking About Children … I was torn, but eventually chose the Mackenzie Phillips book. I am sure I will eventually read all 3, but I am sure the Phillips book will be the most shocking and juicy. I have to admit the writing is already surpassing and expectation I had. If she wrote it herself, she is a good writer and shocking details aside, she should be commended for such good writing… by the way, I am only on chapter 1. My fear about this book was that all the good stuff had been discussed on Oprah. Chapter one has proved to be pretty intense. What a wild childhood she and her brother endured. It surprises me that so many people even survived the 60’s and 70’s. I will be sure to let you all know how the book turns out. So far though, chapter one is promising and it looks like it may be worth the $8.10 I paid.

How I spent my 9-11 day in 2009

Since I suck at “FLYing” (see Flylady) and I cannot decide between cleaning the hellacious (spell check) mess in my bathroom or folding the massive pile of laundry stuffed tightly into a basket…  I am going to blog instead. Procrastinantion always wins. Why? There is always plenty of time for it “later,” but right now I want to enjoy the quiet of a sleeping baby and expose my life to the wonderful world wide internet.

(Random news) All morning my left arm has had that shaky “lame” and weak feeling, I think I may have slept on it all night long. Ugh. Anyway… The weather has been undeniably perfect for the past few days… very little rain, lots of sun, mid 80’s and no humidity. We have even had the pleasure of having a slight breeze here and there! So the Boo-bear and I have been outside constantly. This is good for many reasons:

1. Outside play makes a tired toddler–FAST
2. I need a tan.
3. The dog gets to have fun too!
4. It makes our days go by faster.
5. Exercise for all!

Future Fireman!

So we have pulled out the kiddie pool, the hose, the water table and all the water-proof toys and we have been having a blast! I let to kiddo fill up the pool and water table since he would rather play with the hose than anything else anyway and I get to snap pictures of him and the random flowers in the yard.

Party foul.

Frustrated-Incorporated…

They say misery loves company
We could start a company and make misery

Frustrated, Incorporated
Well I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you’d pay to see

Put me out of my misery
I’d do it for you, would you do it for me
We will always be busy making misery

We could build a factory and make misery
We’ll create the cure; we made the disease

Frustrated, Incorporated
Frustrated, Incorporated
Well I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you’d pay to feel

Put me out of my misery
All you suicide kings and you drama queens
Forever after happily, making misery

Did you satisfy your greed, get what you need
Was it only envy, so empty

Frustrated, Incorporated
Frustrated, Incorporated

Frustrated, Incorporated (put me out of my misery)
Frustrated, Incorporated (I’d do it for you, would you do it for me)
Frustrated, Incorporated (forever after happily)
Frustrated, Incorporated (making misery)
Soul Asylum

This is the song rolling through my head these days. I am burdened by stress right now and it seems to be coming in from every direction.  I am doing my best to think positively, but that is easier said than done! So where do I start???

My son won’t eat. He is not gaining weight and his weight dropped from the 75th percentile to the 10th. His height and head are still on track, but the pediatrician has said I must stop breastfeeding cold-turkey and get him drinking milk. I am at a loss for what I should do. Two days after going to the docs, of course, he came down with a nasty cold. This caused him to eat even less and made me leary about weaning at this time. Add the cold to about 4 teeth pushing through at once, this kid is miserable and I really cant blame him for not wanting to eat. Several times a day I try to get him drinking milk–no luck! Pediasure–no luck! Juice– no luck! He will drink water, but just sips while eating the little bit he does eat. Now as this cold is going away I fear he has lost weight and I am terrified! I have no clue what the best thing for him is. I am attending a La Leche League meeting on Saturday, Sept 5.  and other than that… I just keep feeding him the few things he will eat, broccoli, pancakes, crackers and french fries. I try new things daily and I think we could feed two more kids just on what he tosses to the floor.

Josh. This guy has always been a source of stress and I think he always will be. It seems he always knows when I am vulnerable and capitalizes on it. Here I am stressed about the issues with the baby and he goes and adds to it. I hate to get into details, but I feel like internet poker is the devil’s creation.

Ticks. My son had a tick on him the other day! I absolutley freak out when it comes to any type of bug, but when it comes to parasites, I could seriously rip my own skin off to get away from them. So to see a tick on my son was a traumatic event for me. I am still uneasy anytime I feel an itch! I keep checking my back in the mirror and feeling my scalp…  I feel like I am trapped in a bad OCD horror movie.

Kid at my feet screaming. It seems no matter what I am doing, I have a kid at my feet screaming or whining. It is hard to do your normal things, check email, cook food, clean house with a child latched on to your leg whining and screaming. I imagine if I did wean him this would be much worse… I think he is screaming because he is hungry… ”Hey kid, try eating something, you might feel better!” 

I have no clue what to do.

Knitting-therapy.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. Josh and I are not getting along the way I would like. It is in my opinion that two stubborn and strong-willed people shouldn’t cohabitate. I have been immersing myself in FLYLADY emails, knitting-therapy and I am trying to enjoy the flowers…
Always the light of my life, here is my son, waving at me from under the table!

Knitting therapy: I decided to frog the Tiny Cables sweater for now. I am not at a level yet where I feel comfortable trying out patterns that have not been tested yet. I felt okay until I kept running into little issues and felt silly constantly asking newbie questions. After the pattern is “broken in” I may try again. For now, I have started the 2009 January Afghan square pattern I picked up at Hanks.

Knit 6, Purl 3, Knit 3, repeat… this is more my level right now. I thought I had it licked and perhaps it might be a bit too easy, then I noticed a few stitch mistakes…

Can you see it there on the edge? It should be garter stitch 3 stiches wide all the way around, but somehow I managed to do a stockinette for a bit. If I had not already started this over several times I would try and fix it, but the frustration of it has led me to straight-up laziness. The mistake is there to stay. *sigh*

Despite the mistake, it is looking quite nice, I think! It has also kept my mind of a bunch of crap and kept me busy so I dont make any kind of hasty decisions. Since I drank 2 cups of coffee today, I hope to avoid napping with my son and finishing this square. Hopefully this will give me a sense of accomplishment a lift my mood a bit. Living in a bigger house seems to have just made me more lonely and a touch depressed. I have noticed that I feel fatigued, my shoulders, neck and back ache every day due to my stress level, my sex drive is the lowest it has been in a long time and I just generally dont feel happy.

Breastfeeding is wearing thin on me these days. Dont get me wrong, I do not regret my choice to do it, but I was under the impression that my son would have self-weaned by now… HAHA fat chance of that. Well I did some reading on KellyMOM and it really helped me feel like I am making the right decision to go with baby-led weaning. I feel like I dont have much choice as it is, since he wont take a bottle, hates a sippy cup most of the time and refuses every type of milk on the planet. I have to keep reminding myself that this is normal! Of course he does not want other milk… he is a human and he needs human milk. I am just so tired of nursing every hour all night long. I am so sleep deprived it is a good thing I dont drive or work out of the home.

Monday, Monday…

I enjoyed a tasty meal last night. My long time friend, Craig, came over and cooked up a tasty gourmet meal called “Saltimboca” which consisted of a chicken cutlet wrapped in prosciutto then pan fried and drenched in a mouth watering sauce made from Marsala wine and chicken stock. I wish I had more!!! I made some fettuccine Alfredo and sauteed some fresh spinach and garlic with a touch of white wine and butter. We drank an excellent wine with it, the well known 2000 Chateau Pavie, which was rated either 100 or 99 points. The wine was sexy, to say the least, but the dinner may very well have shown it up. After dinner Josh, Craig and I watched “Zack & Miri” since Craig had not seen it, Josh loves it and I was busy working on the finishing touches of April’s skirty, so I was indifferent.